Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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