take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
