Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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