I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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