so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
