Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
