dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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