i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
