i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize