Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
