There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
