It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
