did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
