totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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