Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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