i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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