i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
