She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
