I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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