so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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