Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
