Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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