Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
