ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
