if i can run in heels then i can drive
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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