apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize