how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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