Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
