She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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