i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
