I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
