the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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