your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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