Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
