Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
