just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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