I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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