Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
