I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
