I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
