My cat gives me a boner
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
