Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
