How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
