I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
