and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
