and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
