We won't sleep together?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
