Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
