yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I could make wine with my vomit
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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