haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
