I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
