Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize