"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
