We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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