i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
