I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
