Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
