you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
