you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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